I'm in a bind, Oh the stuff that binds us.. I could keep going.

Saw this on Gmarket the other night whilst shopping in the women's clothing section, looking for T-shirts and underwear. (I don't know why but guess it had to placed in a category)

It looks like a brilliant binder.. material looks soft and comfy.. and then they show you how to put it on. Basically a string of these on one side. As you can see in the picture, its about 20cm long.

Imagine hooking every fucking one of them in the morning when your fingers don't work and you can't see properly even after a shower. If you've never worn a binder, you slide one arm into one arm hole then slide your head into the head hole and then you fix it at the sides. And because binders have to be tight, you can't assemble them first before sliding it on so basically good luck to anyone who bought it. 


I know some butches that still use the tummy binders and layer them on with a sports bra. One of my ex-classmates is still doing it. And she was shocked when I told her that there's actually people making proper binders these days. Nothing wrong with them if that's your cup of tea but they're so uncomfortable and they roll up and down even with a bloody sports bra. Plus its in that fucking old woman who hasn't been fucked for 30 years BEIGE! If you're lucky, aunty might have the black ones but they were rare. sometimes they had a little LACE! Talk about irony. I know some of us need the tits to be strapped down, stappled if we could, so that nothing was visible. But seriously, men have chests that bulge so let some go and look natural. the flatter you are people are seriously gonna think you dropped them somewhere. AND HOW DO YOU BREATHE? think of your health la... tightening your chest means you bunch forward which makes you fucking short and a hunchback candidate.


I've tried the belly binders. You used to have to go to Chinatown to get the old school types. And the aunty wouldn't look you in the eyes when you lied to her about buying it for your mum whose belly-conscious. Ah.. the good old days. Butches were an underground sort.. not that mainstream and frowned upon. It was cool to be butch.


I would honestly recommend T-kingdom (http://www.t-kingdom.com). My very first binders were from them. Fucking lasted me 3 years straight until it started morphing into a tortoise's shell.


They've gotten abit expensive over the years and nice tagline: Serving Tomboys and FTMs since 1999. And the owner is a Taiwanese butch herself and they've gone international. 


My first binder was the Model 690 cos it was the cheapest (USD $30.98)but still didn't disappoint. Can still remember how good it felt to finally have a secure harness to strap them water balloons in.

Then when it was time to get a new one, I found Peecock products. And I'm still wearing them still. Big benefit is of course that I can collect it locally from a hair salon shop in Far East Plaza or they mail it to you. The cheapest is USD$19 bucks but it's out of stock but even the one below is USD$29 and the affordability means you can buy more then 1 to alternate in the week. 

Of course I'm guessing their name is peecock because they sell Pee-cocks. A peeing apparatus / packer for transmen. I wish sometimes I had one. guess it takes a bit of practice. but since i don't 100% identify as a man, I'll just make do with getting starred at in the female toilets. But good that they're here locally.. No more sock pant stuffing.

I will NOT recommend buying from FTM at underworks. SUCK the big one.

Now this one looks promising. Also from Taiwan - Esha Girls Wear (http://www.esha-taipei.net/en) Nice designs. Just wished they used actual butches with actual breast problems and show how well they worked instead of showing models that were naturally gifted with tiny peeks. Price abit expensive but overall guess you pay for the quality -  hopefully. Will browse and see what else they have... cute models.. that's always a good sign. OOH Their silent velcro supreme range comes in baby pink, baby blue, yellow and GREY! ahh.. so nice.

So anyways there it is.. there are so many others out there. I confess I've always wanted to see an out in the open butch/transmen shop run by, designed by and sold by handsome individuals who would kick the first sniggering man and bitch who came in cos they would be the minority for once; where binders of all kinds of colours, patterns and designs could be found; where clothes fit the imperfect female shape into sexy daper suits and ties and shoes! for those of us with dainty tiny feet tranforming them into manly arse kicking sized appendages.

Maybe someday. Keep dreaming the dream for now.It's time I go for a sleepy down now.. 

Peace out. Keep the tits tight.

It's a step backwards

well it's gone to shit.. i'm still in the office.. hahaha! so much for the promise to myself.


why am i so dedicated to my job? i have no fucking idea. 


I finished work at 4am.. figured that i might as well forget about taking a cab home and watched Dylan Moran stand ups the whole rest of the morning.


It's good to have a (forgive me for saying) fat person in the office.. and no it's no me.. but ya fat people in the office have plenty of goodies on their table which is good when you're dying of hunger at 3am and you find little fishball crackers or cookies or chocolate fudge teeny sweeties lying around on their tables. 


Fuck off..


anyways.. another hour and i can leave to take the bus and go all the way to fucking Kallang to drop off 8 CD's with tender drawings.. 


we'll see how the rest of the day goes.. probably have to swing by home to change my clothes and brush my teeth.

Part 2

Tonight's torment: weight


"Wah what have you been doing? you putting on more and more weight.. why you need to wear so loose shirt?"


"you've put on ALOT of weight.. your thighs didn't use to be that big"


"What's wrong with you? you're supposed to be losing weight but everytime i see you, you got no change or putting on more"


"come with me on saturday.. we walk from yishun to ang mo kio.. you sure lose the weight.. at night don't eat.. just drink water."


yes i have put on weight. no thanks to my lifestyle. it is completely my lack of discipline and will power. my cross trainer and weight bench are sitting right next to my desk right now as we speak and i can't bring myself to do it. 


i lost the most amount of weight during 3 phases in my life. 


Post secondary school, after my parents divorced, i was eating monk food aka yoghurt and bread and cup noodles. i started swimming with my brother. 


during poly days, i put on the weight again. when i got my first job, i signed up with Amore fitness (one of the first women's only gym) and then planet fitness, as it was known back then before the fucking true fitness took over. it's now taken over by some MMA club charging $500 per month for fucking defence classes. utter bullshit. 


anyways, i developed my love for spinning classes from Amore and kept doing it at planet. i even woke up at 5:30 in the morning to hit the gym and then go off to work. it was great. i felt in control of my life. i felt grown up. later at Planet, i grew fond of weight machines like the leg press, calf raises, lat pull downs, etc.. i was still hitting the spinning classes. my body was in the best shape at this point. 


After i quit my job, i went to NAFA and was ok for the first year. still the same size but after meeting the X, that's when the weight piled on again. i blame myself for letting her control every aspect of my life. i should have turned and run away when the minute i suggested we go out another day or meet up with my brother impromptu, and she started screaming and cutting herself... but i stayed for 7 years with her. half of it was for love, the other half i dont know. and we ate everything she wanted, anytime she wanted. she has hyper thyroid, so she doesn't have a fucking weight problem at all. i however, let her rule all decisions cos of fear she might relapse. food was a comfort to her. so i gave in. we ate everywhere. tried EVERYTHING. even when we weren't hungry. sad part about it was, she didn't bother to find out what i liked to eat. and didn't bother to ask.


after my break up with the X, i bought a cross trainer, free weights, a weight bench and gloves. i bought protein shakes, fat burners and read up on shit. this was mostly because i heard from a few friends and my brother about how they got over their relationships. 


my NAFA mate said her buddies from work dragged her to the gym after she broke off with her girlfriend. another friend's brother had a bunch of friends buy him a gym membership and got him to go with them for gym sessions after his marriage broke up. my brother also started his body building phase after his breakup with his first girlfriend. and i took their advise.


so since i dont' have many friends, i bought the equipment myself and worked out at home or at the community gym. and it helped a shitload. my mind was pre-occupied with inflicting my body with physical pain and afterwards, i was too pissed tired to even cry myself to bed. i just knocked out. and my body was eating clean, home cooked (cos i was jobless then), chicken, water, veges.. i didnt drink, i smoked. it was perfect.


now my work is my life. i'm a design architect for an interior design company. i work with projects from 1.5 million dollars to about 8 million dollars - basically big ass projects. i spruce up old buildings for a property owner and the job requires alot of co-ordination, detailing and design concepts. we also pitch for goverment jobs which come with tight deadlines. 


my entire team consists of me and my assistant cad support, a gentle fillipino dude that's the greatest cad specialist and i am so lucky to have as my whole team cos he does shitloads. i'm on my seat at 10 minutes intervals before i have to move to my senior designer's desk or my cad guy's desk or the 3d visualizer's desk. 


but they're all in a 5 metre radius. i have chicken rice almost everyday cos the food at bukit merah SUCKS!!!! by the time i get home, i am physically tired, mentally wiped out and hungry. so i cook whatever i have in the fridge at 10pm which is the normal time i get home, i eat, i drink water, i chat with my flatmate, we watch some shows, i smoke about 5 cigarettes, bathe and plunge into bed by 1am. i am mostly late for work the next day cos i roll over at 8am and i just hear my mind say " i don't want to go to work today". 


it's a sad state to be in because its now that i have to start forming the body that will carry me through the 40's, 50's and 60's. after that, we'll see if i'm still alive. so i guess, its time to cut down the work commitment cos i think i've proved myself enough in the year that i've been with the company. 


what bums me the most is my wardrobe has been reduced slowly to about 30% of my entire closet. i am feeling the weight effect.. the thighs feel tired, i'm breathless, i feel so down cos i wear the same shit every day rotated over and over again. i DON'T buy into being confident about my body even as whatever size i'm at because i have been slim, i have been tight and now i'm flabby, and bulging which seriously, i don't see how that can improve anyone's confidence. and no, i am not happy with i've got. that's nonsense. i've got small joints, i've got equipment to exercise with, i've got my own place with a room twice the size of what i used to live in. i've got a gym downstairs. i've got to meet clients with a professional outlook. i've got a fucking DOUBLE CHIN! kill me kill me now.


currently my stats are as follows: (note to self: i hope you're happy. move that ass!!! no fucking excuses anymore!)

1. neck 14"
2. bust 39" goddamit bitch!
3. waist 38.5"
4. mid hip 40.5"
5. butt line 41"
6. thigh 25"
7. knee 17"
8. calf 16"
9. ankle 8.5"

so judging on the figures above, to reduce my heart attack chances, i have to kill the waist, mid hip and butt by about 4 to 6 inches down. i've never had a waist line, my hip and waist pretty much joins up so its gonna be even throughout. 

i've given myself 1 month to adjust back to exercise, and another 2 to see some results. and now i have even less excuses. there's a gym right downstairs, well a few units down. so next friday, i sign up with them for a monthly membership and i promise myself that i will leave work at 6:30 on the dot for 4 out of 5 days of the week to make it to the gym. 

i'll keep myself posted here every week. motivation? well historically, my weight loss is due to emotional trauma or intense changes in my life. this time? well i guess hearing it outright from the mouths of people around me and the sheer embarrassment of being called FAT is enough for me. 

gayfather is working out to work out.

A New beginning

A New Beginning

It's been a year since i started this blog. It used to be a blog selling clothes that in my "fashionable" mind i felt other people should buy but was in fact a blog that i started to get over a relationship so... ya i figured that it wasn't such a great idea and not something that should be left as evidence of a glitch in my psychological state of mind.

Well anyways, i think it would be good to actually have this as my own records cos i'm 33 now, and i am gay (note to self: yes you are and have always been) and i am feeling the pressure to have some kind of record of my life cos unfortunately, its at this point in life that you start experiencing the signs of aging, e.g. memory loss, joint aches and pains, the desire to sit in one spot for long periods of time, preferring the bus over the trains, etc.. and also, just in case i lose my memory from some accident or physical anomoly. and fuck it, you ARE old when you start passing the 30 mark. also, I just read another american butch's blog and I honestly felt it was crap and i could do a better job at describing what it feels like to be this bent in Singapore. I secretly want to see if this blog actually helps to sort my thoughts out post-psycho days. the psycho is of course my ex-girlfriend. (note to self: it was 7 years of hell and you ended it mostly because she was in fact a crazy abusive woman who didn't please you in bed or out of it and was cheating on you in the last month of the relationship. you almost 'killed' yourself, lost the years, spent thousands on her, lost 2 great jobs and almost your sanity but you knew it was the best thing to do. that was 1 year ago. you are much better now. and things have gotten better and will continue to be that way. reminder to self: date a girl first before fucking her and dont be afraid to be honest and tell someone you dont love her; don't EVER lose your autonomy again EVER!)

loving this song - alex clare too close
it pretty much sums it all up for me. dont' you wish you could end relationships like this? its more civil and easier on the heart.

(note to self: you are so into dubstep right now, that's all you're listening to on your iphone)

i'm gonna be finding my writing pace eventually but this will be undoubtedly mine and it will be written by me: GAYFATHER (note to self: you and your brother one night came up with an impromptu insult for each other: your father is gay! it was hilarious at that time cos we were in the father-hating years but therein lies the origin of the name gayfather, by which i am affectionately referred to by few select individuals).

i miss my cat "mr. fuzzball" so much but i dread going back home. my old room, my mum's house, the neighbourhood, the people at the shops; they have too many memories that it's still subconsciously so difficult to go back there for more than a day. 

For now, it's a new beginning, once i get it all out, there will be no more thinking of her, referring to past events or unpleasant memories about her and most of all, forgiving myself. it's about time i did something for myself. On a side note: I'm out of cigarettes AGAIN!! continue tomorrow otherwise i'm gonna have to walk to the nearest cheers to get nicotine.

(note to self: after finishing the millenium trilogy you are so into Noomi Rapace's looks and that awesome body, you will spend the next 6 months pumping and gyming to achieve a semblance of this sexiness. of course next step is a tattoo but not necessarily a dragon because you always fancied a japanese chest plate design, something Yakuza-like that will freak mum out.. sweet)