A New beginning

A New Beginning

It's been a year since i started this blog. It used to be a blog selling clothes that in my "fashionable" mind i felt other people should buy but was in fact a blog that i started to get over a relationship so... ya i figured that it wasn't such a great idea and not something that should be left as evidence of a glitch in my psychological state of mind.

Well anyways, i think it would be good to actually have this as my own records cos i'm 33 now, and i am gay (note to self: yes you are and have always been) and i am feeling the pressure to have some kind of record of my life cos unfortunately, its at this point in life that you start experiencing the signs of aging, e.g. memory loss, joint aches and pains, the desire to sit in one spot for long periods of time, preferring the bus over the trains, etc.. and also, just in case i lose my memory from some accident or physical anomoly. and fuck it, you ARE old when you start passing the 30 mark. also, I just read another american butch's blog and I honestly felt it was crap and i could do a better job at describing what it feels like to be this bent in Singapore. I secretly want to see if this blog actually helps to sort my thoughts out post-psycho days. the psycho is of course my ex-girlfriend. (note to self: it was 7 years of hell and you ended it mostly because she was in fact a crazy abusive woman who didn't please you in bed or out of it and was cheating on you in the last month of the relationship. you almost 'killed' yourself, lost the years, spent thousands on her, lost 2 great jobs and almost your sanity but you knew it was the best thing to do. that was 1 year ago. you are much better now. and things have gotten better and will continue to be that way. reminder to self: date a girl first before fucking her and dont be afraid to be honest and tell someone you dont love her; don't EVER lose your autonomy again EVER!)

loving this song - alex clare too close
it pretty much sums it all up for me. dont' you wish you could end relationships like this? its more civil and easier on the heart.

(note to self: you are so into dubstep right now, that's all you're listening to on your iphone)

i'm gonna be finding my writing pace eventually but this will be undoubtedly mine and it will be written by me: GAYFATHER (note to self: you and your brother one night came up with an impromptu insult for each other: your father is gay! it was hilarious at that time cos we were in the father-hating years but therein lies the origin of the name gayfather, by which i am affectionately referred to by few select individuals).

i miss my cat "mr. fuzzball" so much but i dread going back home. my old room, my mum's house, the neighbourhood, the people at the shops; they have too many memories that it's still subconsciously so difficult to go back there for more than a day. 

For now, it's a new beginning, once i get it all out, there will be no more thinking of her, referring to past events or unpleasant memories about her and most of all, forgiving myself. it's about time i did something for myself. On a side note: I'm out of cigarettes AGAIN!! continue tomorrow otherwise i'm gonna have to walk to the nearest cheers to get nicotine.

(note to self: after finishing the millenium trilogy you are so into Noomi Rapace's looks and that awesome body, you will spend the next 6 months pumping and gyming to achieve a semblance of this sexiness. of course next step is a tattoo but not necessarily a dragon because you always fancied a japanese chest plate design, something Yakuza-like that will freak mum out.. sweet)