Apologies for the egotistical shit or mistakes in grammar, punctuation or spelling ---- NOBODY'S GONNA FUCKING READ IT. IT"S A PERSONAL BLOG FOR FUCK's SAKE. IT"S ALL FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Right well i dont' know what happened cos i penned something on my iphone like yesterday at 12:00am and after about 3 pints of guiness draught (cos that's all i drink), 1 killkenny, 1 san miguel and a tequila shot i can't find it.. of fuck it. I'm still up at 6:50am. I'm still up reminiscing how I actually met a relatively nice Thai Chinese girl tonight. she had a side that was really sad and alone. something in her reminded me of the ex. when she asked for my number 3 times, i didnt give it to her.
Why am i still awake?
well i went with Dan to the Affordable art fair at the F1 pit building earlier yesterday (opening guest by invite only sia!) and bumped into Boo, an ex-lecturer. so chit chat chit chat and then just when i thought we were just talking about regular arty stuff, he just mentions "hey! you know that Choo girl? the one with the fat one? the abit crazy siao siao one?" (i immediately thought "oh god everyone knows her like that even after all these years?")He was even doing a little jig dance to immitate her. i remember why i left that fucking institution.. though i did almost burst out laughing. so i answered him "you mean Ann?" he said "yeah! she got married". I replied him "oh really? well i lost touch with them 2 years ago and i dont' really care. maybe see you next year for the BA course?"
well i didnt tell him that all along i've had the impression or feeling like she was either dead (or emigrated) or married - they all mean the same to me.
anyways, Dan was nice enough to ask me if i was ok after the show. We shared a cigarette and suprisingly, I did feel ok. We both agree and fundamentally do not believe in marriage especially one sanctioned by a religion.. Fundamentally? I trust that statement with my LIFE. there is no such thing, and no matter what anyone says, especially religion. seriously i'd rather watch teletubbies then believe bullshit from a pulpit. I've seen too many "marriages" fall and crumble. beginning with my own family (oh, its a disease in mine. every fucking aunt, uncle and cousin has divorced since i was 15. not sure if we have some kind of record yet. Maybe its genetic. which is why i'm born with the belief). And of course alot of people will swear by their own parents, including the ex will bear testimony to: - the surviving marriage and "love" of their own parents who have never shagged anyone else and the woman probably doesnt even know what an orgasm is. (I've judged. well i might be right still. then again, i am still reeling from a night of drinking so fuck off.) I believe it's also an excuse to keep that supposed "preacious" person right beside themselves so they dont run off.
so yeah, i went to her blog, and saw her cheesy fucking wedding photos. I'm not jealous. NONONO! oh goodness gracious no! never would i be jealous of those pics.. hahahha! i'm sorry it was painful to see and not because of our past but cos it was so "made-in-Taiwan-ala-winter-sonata" please.. And the Twat doesnt have a nose bridge. and that french suit with the lapels.. sorry la.. just stick to what you're good at wearing.
Pause.........
Oh... i'm too tired. I had typed a long essay. I dont care anymore. She still harps about the past. She hasnt' really changed that much. she goes on about her insecurities. I have mine too. she has her shit to deal with. we all do. i'm not a psychiatrist (although it was funny how she tried to diagnose me with some disorder to explain my wrath). I had honestly wished with all my heart when i ended the relationship, like i had done so many times (yes more than once over the 5 out of 7 years of the relationship), was that she meet someone that can make her happy and give her whatever the fuck she wanted from me that i could never give her.. And finally she has. I was really angry at first because of course, reading her "husband's" post reconfirmed my suspicions that she was really cheating on me until my birthday. it used to be sad. i couldn't tell her in words that i knew she was cheating. but letting her go and sadly knowing that she already had a backup was the hardest part of everything. but then again, she was always a sucker for anyone that could provide that security for her. And now she has it FULL TIME. and I am FREE at last.
My only regret is losing matty as a friend. she was awesome before the psycho. i could have a great laugh with her. she and jeorgieby. and dan and shaun. and ah ma. and the lame queen kina. the original gang before things turned to shit.
At crazy elephant, Dan asked me to cheers and make a toast to her wedding over our first pint of draught. I didnt' want to. He said "come on, good wishes for her". I said " good wishes are reserved for only good people. I'd rather wish you well" and so we ended up wishing me well for my 3 interviews on monday and a big fat fucking pay cheque.
I thought that blogs were where you "record" your events or highlights of your life so you could remember and like act like you've been ALOT of SHIT in life but fucking bull crap please, if you believe that horsehit, then you're a soap opera slut. give it a break. nobody really reads this shit. yeas...if you're talented like Xiaxue and actually have a trademark then yeah but even she started it cos her stupid ex threw her diary away.
I think it's more like if you can get through the ordeal of actually trying to type out what happened and in the middle realise "what the fuck am I doing?", then you've externalised what you need to. You've dealt with it. Let it go. I'm not really gonna bother. I have no shame. I've been the best i've tried to be. I've sacrificied my life, money, time, emotion, body, soul, tears and blood for those years. I've shed even more when my parents broke up. I shed a little bit more that I don't have much left in terms of friends and family. But like i said in my previous post, you have to face the big 5 elements of your life and at the end of the day, you've got to face yourself.
so yes, i wish you well. I dont believe it. I am unable to fathom that emotion because, just as i dont' believe in God and religion and stand by these beliefs, I cannot accept the "sanctity" of an institution like marriage, like parenthood, like fidelity, like charity. It doesn't make me any happier by doing these deads. Wishing someone well on a marriage is a death sentence to that person from me. and as such, i wish to rather reserve my emotions so that bad things do not happen to her and her twat. (i'm sorry i'm a bitch but he's fucking ugly. and his nose is so short. dick's probably not that big either.. oh stop please!hahaha)
(drunk feeling wearing out - regaining feeling in fingers) At the end of the day, she's happy i guess. That's all that matters. and i'm free at last.
time to sleep. best cure for a hangover, is to type all night till the next day and then feel alot more sober. go for early morning coffee and breakfast in peace and quiet. I love my new life. I love my new place. I know what i've become, and i know where i'm headed to.. It's all finally good :)
Peace out.
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